It’s 4am. It’s raining. She’s outside. Knocking. I won’t open the door. I won’t. Just won’t. I am not ruthless. I am not brutal. I am not a monster. Yet… I won’t.

Let her get drenched. Her hopes will get washed away. Hopefully they will. She won’t come in. No. I won’t let her in.

It’s 4:15am now. Looks like her hope’s dwindling. Yes. I am getting there.

It’s 4:30 now. She’s broken the door and she’s headed straight to where I am. She knows. I will hide now.

It’s 4:45 now. I am hiding behind the 4th cupboard inside the store room. It’s stuffy and dusty in here. I want to cough, but wouldn’t dare to. She might hear me.

It’s 5am now. I can barely keep my eyes open. She on the other hand, is looking for me like she’s possessed.

Gulp… possessed.

It’s 5:15 now. She found me. The cupboard came crashing down and she saw me sticking to the wall with my eyes closed.

It’s 5:30 now. I’m lying down, in a pool of blood. She left me in this mess.

It’s 5:45 now. I’m waiting for 6am. My 2 hour ordeal will end. And I will be wholeheartedly dead.

Thank you for calling the suicide help line. We’re here to help. Don’t worry. Don’t make any rash decisions.

For help in Rastafarian, press 1.
For Latin, press 2.
For Japanese, press 3.
For Bhojpuri, press 4.
For Hungarian, press 5.
For Mandarin, press 6.
For Arabic, press 7.
For Bolivian, press 8.
For Afrikaans, press 9.
For in English, press 10.

BEEP

Thank you for your selection.

For suicide related to domestic issues, press 1.
For suicide related to external issues, press 2.
For suicide related to financial problems, press 3.
For suicide related to health, press 4.
For suicide related to parental issues, press 5.
For suicide related to spousal issues, press 6.
For suicide related to work, press 7.
For suicide related to sexual problems, press 8.
For suicide related to love (or the lack of it), press 9.
For just a random suicide, press 10.

BEEP

Thank you for your selection.

If you’ve attempted suicide before, press 1 for once.
Press 2 for twice.
Press 3 for thrice.
Press 4 for more than thrice.
Press 5 if you have never attempted suicide before.

BEEP

Thank you for your selection.

If you’ve contemplated suicide, but never went through with it, press 1 for yes.
Press 2 for No.

BEEP

Thank you for your selection.

To speak to a male counselor, press 1.
To speak to a female counselor, press 2.

BEEP

Thank you for your selection.

To speak to a counselor between the age range of 21-25, press 1.
To speak to a counselor between the age range of 26-30, press 2.
To speak to a counselor between the age range of 31-35, press 3.
To speak to a counselor between the age range of 36-40, press 4.
To speak to a counselor between the age range of 41-45, press 5.

BEEP

Thank you for your selection.

Please wait while we transfer your call to a counselor…

…
…
…
…

We’re sorry. None of our counselors are available right now. Please call again later, during normal business hours. Thank you for calling the Suicide Helpline. We hope we have been able to resolve your problems. Good bye.

“BANG!”

Tossing, turning and trembling…

How I tremble tonight.
How lonely I am.
I’m hurt; so I hurt.
You wouldn’t know how twisted I am.

You are blinded
so blinded by bright light.
And hence you fail to see the darkness,
the darkness that lurks behind.

You won’t be reasoned with.
Your own despair won’t permit you.
So I will let you be.
I will clam up.

And will allow my darkness
to disgust you with its stench.
And you will see the light.
And I won’t be its source.

And I will smile.
And I will cry.
But this will happen.
I will see it happens.

In fact, dear friend,
this will happen.

So I will cry now.
And I will sleep later.

For a lot of tossing, turning and trembling…
awaits me tonight.

Shades of guilt

Emphatically she spoke,
eventually I wrote.
The varied feelings that toyed.
She gave up being coy.

The punter within slept all along.
The hunter caged himself.
The former self grew proud.
And soft denial grew loud.

Breath.
You almost brought my death.
Fingers.
You dangerous harbingers!

Shudder lost soul.
The shades of guilt entice me.

They mock me;
infuriate me.
They try. They try.

Your shades of guilt,
can’t even penetrate a feather.

Varun Rajagopalan

Soul Seller

He opened the door and he walked down the road,
threatening to never return.
I locked up the door and I shut myself in,
hoping he’ll reach hell and burn.

But he turned right back and he started to walk,
making his way to my door.
Panic set in as I wanted to hide,
I fell down and crawled on the floor.

Soul seller…
He thought, I was, his fella…
Soul seller…
He thought, I was, his fella…

He knocked on my door and he asked me to open,
asked me to not fear his voice.
I tried to pretend as though I couldn’t hear,
but it seemed like I had no choice.

He said that I’ll huff; he said that I’ll puff.
And bring down your house like a deck.
He did as he said and he brought down my house.
And reached out and he grabbed my neck.

Soul seller…
He thought, I was, his fella…
Soul seller…
He thought, I was, his fella…

Varun Rajagopalan.

Eclipsed disdain, gainful edge.
Just a couple from the ledge.
Mine of darkness, seas of grey.
Akin to a flightless bird of prey.

Emulated doubt, gunned-down ego.
Wait a while and then we go.
Hurried and buried, mayhem galore.
Movie stars send me to yore.

Easily drained, gullible eccentric.
Bewitched and brainless, not neat, not chic.
Hurt and helpless, wounded and scarred.
Arthur boy sent me afar.

Ecstatic, drowned, groaning enigma.
Scorching mass of flowing magma.
Steel cage, iron mesh.
Now an inch from the edge.

The E D G E.

Varun Rajagopalan.

Tiny pieces of pebbles

Tiny pieces of pebbles.
I won’t miss you.
Plethora of emotions.
I won’t cry.

Rapturous reasons of laughter.
I won’t stare out the window.
Generous, beautiful smile.
I will not sigh.

Bloom of morning dew.
I won’t look at the clock.
Blessings of evening rain.
I don’t need to talk.

For every time your thought appears,
I’ll look deep within my heart.
That is where you live.
And so, we are never apart.

Varun Rajagopalan.

There was less sleep.
Even if there was, twasn’t deep.
A rough ride.
Pushed around side to side.

A movie played while some slept.
The lead throughout wept.
And there were a couple of stops.
Open spaces. Unwanted crops.

And the destination was reached.
Several barricades breached.
I tasted roses and dew drops.
And wandered around a few shops.

Drunken state; punched my head.
Akin to making love to the bed.
Guilty awakening; another beginning.
And then resort to the real thing.

In my books I registered a legend.
My holiday came to an end.
Wish it would happen again.
Else beautiful dreams will go in vain.

Varun Rajagopalan.

“Why weren’t you talking to them?”
“I tried, but…”
“But?”
“Look issues aren’t just black and white. It’s not always I screwed up or you screwed up and all that similar jazz.”
“Right. Most of the times it’s we both screwed up and our egos got in the way so we ended up screwing up further more.”
“…ok..”

“Yeah sorry. I kinda drifted from the point. There is NOTHING that you cannot talk out man.”
“Well, genius, wake up! Sometimes there are things that cannot be talked out.”

“It’s your call man. All I would say is that there is NOTHING more important than yourself. And when I say yourself, that includes your relationships too. Something wrong with a relationship means something wrong with you. End of a relationship means end of something inside you. And even if things have to end, you need closure. Your heart needs to be at ease.”

“Yeah. Thanks. I need to go somewhere.”

“Don’t run away man. Face it. You will emerge either happy or sad but lighter. If you don’t, you will only emerge sad. The pain won’t settle.”
“Have you got some kinda issues dude? Keep the advice with yourself. Stop pushing the cue-tip when there is resistance!”

“Take care man. Don’t die!”

“Haah! I won’t. You take care too.”

And he died.

Varun Rajagopalan.

Mirror image

The mirror image gazes.
Utters senseless phrases.
It questions my intentions.
It pleads against my greed.

“My need”, I say.
The light within a ray.
The games that I play.
Will hurt me someday.

Until then I rumble.
In the corporate jungle.
And fate takes a tumble.
I don’t care if I stumble.

I don’t know what’s on my mind.
What I was is hard to find.
Enjoying myself within the grind.
Care and fear I’ve left behind.

I was you when you were blind.
So blind. Incurably blind.
My own intent, I cannot gauge.
Left that to my mirror image.

Varun Rajagopalan.